Medical School: an arm, a leg, a kidney, and oh...a piece of liver, too

Remember the first and only time you won the school's spelling bee? How about the titillating excitement of a first kiss? Or the proud satisfaction of learning how to ride a bike? You see, I don't consider myself to be a shameless hedonist, but I do enjoy the taste of success once-in-a-blue moon as much as the next guy. So, imagine the devastation and heartless cruelty of ripping that small shred of happiness from an innocent baby. For eternity. Over and over again.

That is what medical school tuition is like.

Let's take my school, for example. We'll call it IMPOOR SOM (or IMP, for short). This is a rough breakdown of what it's going to cost me to attend (figures are based on 2007. add 1-2% increase for this year).

Budget duration: 10 months [note: ways to save. Not even a full year]
Tuition: $39,957 [sell arms. Possibly liver]
Fees: $2,807 [very ambiguous. Sell kidney]
Rent and utilities: $10,000 [Plan A: crash on stranger's couch. Plan B: share heating grate with homeless man]
Food & Household supplies: $2,410 [Wal-Mart, free lunch from drug companies]
Personal Expenses: $2,620 [mooch parents]
Local Transportation: $1,200 [keep legs and walk]
Health & Disability Insurance: $2,500 [utilize classmates]
Books & Supplies: $1,516 [import from Asia]
Equipment: $990 [pilfer from practice exam rooms]

Financial Aid Budget 2007-8: $64,000 [consider starting strip bar on side]

What was formerly a happy time for me has turned into a hand-wringing, panic attack about how I'm going to pay off such astronomical debt. But having spent my entire year off surfing the internet and reading Fortune magazine, I have devised an ingenious scheme for funding my education: other people's goodwill! (aka donations)

Yes, I propose that for every person who sends me $1,500 now, I will waive that fee once I become a physician and open up my own concierge practice. After all, many doctors are choosing this route given its autonomy and opportunity for a normal, humanoid lifestyle. If you, too, would like 4-star medical treatment available only to the privileged, then don't hesitate! Donate to L.A.G's IMPSOM fund today*!

*subject to L.A.G. conditions like moral responsibility and duty to the disadvantaged. Don't let that stop you from donating, though.