The 4 Rules of Infidelity

Have you ever thought about a career in politics? Does having ridiculously expensive sex with whores tingle your genitals? Aspire to become the Governor or Lt. Governor of NY? Well, you've arrived at the right blog. One of the first requirements of becoming a politician is to become a bona fide adulterer. How does one achieve this pinnacle of success? Easy! Just follow these simple rules:

Rule #1: Lie
Any cheater worth his/her salt knows that lying about extramarital sex is essential to being a politician. After all, that's their job! To BS! Much like an English major, except with a hell of a lot more sex and money. Know any liberal arts graduate students with $80,000 to blow on whores? Only those between the pages of a dusty book, my friend.

Anyway, it's to one's advantage to keep the affair as secret as possible in order to prolong the enjoyable iniquity. However, since all good things come to an end sooner or later, you must eventually employ rule #2.

Rule #2: Be Upfront
So a sleezy reporter catches you red-handed at the Mayflower? No problem! Just go on national television and say: "I have let the people down." Don't mention who "the people" are or admit to any wrongdoing because that will surely end your prospects of getting another BS job (e.g., law). No, the point is to look as apologetic and repentant as possible, preferably with a trembling lower lip and downward gaze. It doesn't matter what you say, so long as the media gets to take lots of pictures of you looking like a douchebag.

corollary 2a: Make sure your spouse stands next to you while you make your ambiguous admission. His/her presence will validate you as a disgusting--albeit real--human being, which can only work in your favor. The more tired and haggard he/she looks, the more people will pity him/her, and by association--you.

Rule #3: Use Public Funds
Why pay for sex out of your own pocket when you can get it subsidized by the citizens of your own state? Only a fool. Take advantage of those state coffers and employ Rule #1 to hide where those funds are actually going. If necessary, bribe subordinates. The sex will feel better when you can buy your wife that diamond ring from Tiffany's without batting an eye.

Rule #4: Sleep with Talent
If you're going to pay thousands of dollars for some VIP booty, make sure he/she is not an aspiring singer, actor, or misc. entertainer. If this is not possible, then at least check to see that he/she can sing/act/whatever. Once Rule #1 fails and Rule #2 takes effect, you will have unleashed an incompetent monster with a million-dollar recording contract upon the world. Please be kind. We have enough Britney Spears and Paris Hilton's wreaking havoc on society.

Rule #4: Surround Yourself with Other Adulterers
Before you take the fall from Rule #2, make sure your next-in-command also has a riddled past. Once it becomes known that he is a cheating bastard, you will look much better, if only because he will look just as bad. The two of your reputations will settle somewhere in-between douchebag and dickhead. Oh, and it never hurts to have a cheating spouse. Hell, you might as well make it a threesome.

corollary 4a: It is advisable to have a condition such as being legally blind. That way, when a reporter or investigator interrogates you about an alleged affair, you can respond: "But I didn't see her in my bed, honest!"