A Pausch for the Ages

If you haven't heard of Randy Pausch, then you have seriously been living as a troll in some inhospitable part of Antarctica. For the benefit of such societal bums, he is a pioneer of virtual reality and has taught at such prestigious institutions as Carnegie Mellon and the University of Virginia. Although I have not had the pleasure of taking any of his classes or even seeing him live (I'm old like that, you see), I nevertheless have an antenna that steals TV signals from that corporate monster, ABC.

Having watched the special that aired tonight, I must say that Diane Sawyer is about as engaging as a colony of lichen. No really, even Randy had to pose questions for himself to answer, which is fitting given that he's a lot better at this "life" thing than she is. After being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he doesn't waste time asking "what about the children??!!!" (um, isn't it obvious? Spend time with them), but rather offers some practical advice for us morons who are so concerned with being PC that we fear asking the tough questions.

A few things that Randy mentioned which I found to be absolutely essential:

#1: Never lose your imagination
Whether your dream is to become a stripper to pay off medical school bills or to simply travel to Italy to drink some real wine, never lose your ability to dream the impossible. I have always had a passion for this. Case in point: I arrived 20 minutes late to work today because I was daydreaming and totally missed my exit on the highway. What was I dreaming about, you ask? Why, my kick-ass weekend! No, it wasn't anything productive like promoting world peace or alleviating world hunger, but dammit, I'm going to dream of my future life even if it interferes with the present one. Or at least deceive myself and then cry terribly when things don't work out like I'd planned.

#2 Always be honest
I don't know how seriously to take this because some things are better left unsaid (like the time I got really messed up after a wine festival and could barely make it to work the next day). However, although you cannot always rely on your parents' threshold for forgiveness, you can certainly turn to strangers on the metro and tell them that they smell real bad and need a shower. Hell, they'll probably even let you give them one! It's one of the amazing things about living in America. If they don't thank you, then they'll certainly try and shoot you.

#3 Always maintain a sense of humor
He didn't actually say this. It's taken from my co-worker's dad who is an awesome guy. But Randy provided a variation to the effect of being the Tigger in life rather than the Eeyore (you know, the cartoon character whose face looks more abysmal than his butt). I wholeheartedly agree with this statement because as cynical, dumb, irreverent, and cruel as I am, I really do love what I write about. It's just funnier when you make fun of it. However, I try not to take things for granted, and my method for doing just that is to point out the ridiculousness of it all. Life is crazy, hilarious, monotonous, boring, and really, really frustrating, but when someone leaves a burning bag of poop on your doorstep, you can't help but laugh. And then call the police to have them arrested.

#4 Never listen to what a guy says. Only trust what he does
Admittedly, this applies mostly to the ladies, but also to a few fruity ones out there. I have not been given any better advice than this. If all women took the above statement to heart, John Gray would not be making millions off variations of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (you can bet he's laughing all the way to the bank. I myself thought about writing Men Might be Dumb, but Women are Idiots for Trying to Figure Them Out). Please. Just stop. We live on Planet Earth for crying out loud.